The Postscript

In H. Wallace Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, the fourth chapter is centered on humility and repentance to rid yourself of pride. He wrote a very specific postscript at the end of his thoughts that has been with me since I finished reading it. He said, "If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your partner needs it, I encourage you to re-read the chapter with yourself in mind." Pretty direct, right? Almost an 'ouch' factor if you were, in fact, thinking about your spouse when you read it. Much of the time we are able to see the pride in others but are quite reluctant to admit the pride we have in our own hearts.

 

Earlier in the chapter Goddard writes, "When we are feeling irked, annoyed or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven. We are guilty of pride." Whoa. Those are feelings stemming from pride? Relationships everywhere deal with these issues, sometimes on a daily basis. We accuse a spouse and defend ourselves. A never ending cycle begins when these behaviors are set on repeat. A perfect description of pride and a clear call to repentance comes from President Ezra Taft Benson in his conference address titled (read it here). He said, "Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind." Thankfully pride is not a terminal illness we are powerless to stop. President Benson taught, "The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and the contrite spirit"

 

Goddard used the visual of a flat tire in a struggling relationship. Most relationships experience bumpy times on a rough road. He said, "Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires." The important questions we need to ask are more about the changes we need to make within rather than the ones we see in our spouse. How can I build my partner up? What good qualities do I see in my spouse? Is my will aligned with God? When we seek answers to these questions our hearts can be softened.

Hit The Nail On The Head

Have you seen this video? It's one of the first things I thought of when I was reading John Gottman's book... Funny, right? I couldn't resist the blog title either. In my opinion, it's a fairly accurate representation of a principle we read about this week in my marriage class. First let me back up a little bit and share what Dr. Gottman wrote in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and how it applies to this video.

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away.

How does Dr. Gottman define turning toward each other? He says couples are always making what he calls 'bids' towards one another for attention, affection, humor and support. "Real-life romance is fueled each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life." Yes, yes, yes! I hear husbands and wives everywhere agreeing with this statement. Feeling valued in a relationship builds trust and connection much more than flowers and chocolate. When a spouse acknowledges your 'bid' it helps you want to continue those bids. Gottman says these bids, whether big or small, gain momentum like a rolling snowball. They might start small but the results will be great.

One way to successfully connect with a spouse is to make deposits into their emotional bank account. Gottman shares a long list of ways to make different deposits that feel important to your spouse. The most effective suggestion he gave is, "Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went." That sounds pretty simple, right? The problem with many couples is they tackle this conversation over dinner, in front of the TV or with their children still awake. In that context, these conversations add more stress and leave a spouse feeling more frustrated than before. Why? Usually because they feel their counterpart wasn't really listening to what they had to say.

Dr. Gottman give suggestions for ways to talk each day so both husband and wife recognize the deposits into their emotional bank account and the benefits of taking time for one another each day.

1- Find an ideal time for each spouse to spend 10-15 minutes each talking about their day uninterrupted. Take turns.

2- Don't discuss marriage problems at this time. Support each other in areas outside your relationship.

3- Actively listen to your spouse. Be kind, eliminate judgement. Listen to the vents, victories, worries and the happiness they share.

4- Stay focused on your spouse. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Be genuine in your communication,

5- It's not your job to solve every problem your spouse presents (see... The Nail).

6- Support, love, give affection and validate your spouse.

I love this principle and all the great information about emotional bank accounts. I am currently not married so I've thought about how I can apply this principle now. This is an easy one to work into my life right now. I still have  relationships I need to strengthen every day. The emotional bank accounts of my kids are also very important. By nature I want to fix things similar to the husband in the video. I want to call out the obvious and do my part to 'help remove the nail'. But, it's not help! I'm learning how important it is to actively listen to my teenagers to build trust in our relationship. When they want to talk, I need to stop and listen!

Gottman said, "If there is a silver lining to your partner's sadness, fear, or anger, it is that by listening to it you strengthen the trust between you." Though this class is focused on marriage, by applying these methods to other relationships in my life, I feel like I can reap some of the same rewards.

Destination: Eternity

Do you have a good sense of direction? Is it easy for you to find where you are going? Does a map help you? Honestly, I'm terrible with directions. I need a map to find a desired location. Don't tell me east or west unless you want to confuse me (no Utah mountains for reference where I live). I have to know if you mean right or left. And even then I might get lost. Sadly, I've even proven this statement with my smart phone. Just ask my kids. We've seen more of the industrial side of Portland than necessary. 

Maps provide direction and safety when traveling uncharted territory. When you study a map, you understand your destination a little more than you did before. A map is a wise resource for travelers all over the world.

Now, think about this. What road is your marriage on? Where are you heading as a couple? Have you ever felt lost? Ever wondered how you and your spouse somehow ended up on a different road? In a covenant marriage when two people marry their destination is eternity. Reaching that destination might be more difficult than it seemed on their wedding day. Life, including marriage, is full of surprises, challenges and heartaches. Distance can grow between a husband and wife from daily distractions. Over time this slowly erodes plans for their eternal destination. This explains my marriage and the heartache that followed 13 years later. Challenges and stress came our way and we found ourselves on completely different roads. A crossroads, really. I knew I was not going to abandon the road that helped me keep my covenants. I needed to stay the course I knew to be true.  What kind of map can help a marriage build a stronger connection and focus on eternity?

What kind of map can help a marriage build a stronger connection and focus on eternity? Dr. John M. Gottman said, "Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world. I call this having a richly detailed love map." What exactly does this mean? Dr. Gottman says a different way of explaining a love map is that couples remember major events in each other's history and continue building on that information as your spouse's feelings and world change through the years. He says without a love map how can you truly know your spouse? And the follow up question, If you don't know them, how can you love them? The combination of knowing and loving your spouse give you the strength to weather storms in a marriage.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman gives couples a few ideas to evaluate and build their love maps. A questionnaire, an activity involving points (Hello, friendly competition!) and suggestions for open-ended questions to update information on your spouse that may have shifted or changed due to life circumstances. There is no way to predict the challenges a couple will face in their marriage. Having a plan to really know and love your spouse is a wonderful place to start building love maps. Conscience and sincere effort to strengthen your marriage will be rewarded. In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard said, "Character and companionship do not come without consistent investment." Though it is not an easy assignment, investing in an eternal marriage relationship will bring about great rewards.

 

Marriage Stability

What helps strengthen a marriage relationship? Will it require hard work? Where is help found? Do stable marriage exist? Can a troubled marriage be saved?

 

These questions (and many more) are answered in two different but beneficial books on marriage. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John M. Gottman and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard have different but effective approaches to building and repairing the important relationship between husband and wife. Let's look at their suggestions separately.

 

Dr. Gottman has studied the marriage relationship for decades. He believes the heart of his research and the Seven Principles he suggests in his book is this, "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship." How often have you heard people describe their spouse as their best friend? The one they want to love and laugh with for eternity. These couples, he says, have a mutual respect for one another, enjoy spending time together and know the little quirks the other one possesses. They also express appreciation in big ways and small ways day in and day out.

 

Dr. Goddard says, "The key to a satisfying marriage is to be found in living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ." Learning to live and love like our Savior is one way to develop Christ-like attributes. He goes one to counsel, "Rather than learn a set of skills for dealing with difficulties, we seek a change of heart." He goes on to say that understanding and living gospel principles will soften hearts and build Christ-like character. These attributes will result in happy marriages.

 

Who do these books benefit? Couples in healthy, committed relationships? Troubled, fractured ones? Divorcees? Single men and women? The answer is all of the above will benefit from suggestions and proven methods to help husband and wife strengthen the ties that bind. Goddard writes that often marriage is a refuge from the storm and other times marriage is the storm. There is much truth to that statement. All marriage relationships have ups and downs as two people blend and meld their lives together. Past relationships, family history/dynamics, personalities and current trials all play a part in marriage stability. Building a life together challenges even the most committed couples. Goddard closes his first chapter with this promising thought, "It is Jesus-- only Him and His truths-- that transforms our marriage from crippled relationships to walking, working, dancing partnerships."