Hit The Nail On The Head

Have you seen this video? It's one of the first things I thought of when I was reading John Gottman's book... Funny, right? I couldn't resist the blog title either. In my opinion, it's a fairly accurate representation of a principle we read about this week in my marriage class. First let me back up a little bit and share what Dr. Gottman wrote in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and how it applies to this video.

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away.

How does Dr. Gottman define turning toward each other? He says couples are always making what he calls 'bids' towards one another for attention, affection, humor and support. "Real-life romance is fueled each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life." Yes, yes, yes! I hear husbands and wives everywhere agreeing with this statement. Feeling valued in a relationship builds trust and connection much more than flowers and chocolate. When a spouse acknowledges your 'bid' it helps you want to continue those bids. Gottman says these bids, whether big or small, gain momentum like a rolling snowball. They might start small but the results will be great.

One way to successfully connect with a spouse is to make deposits into their emotional bank account. Gottman shares a long list of ways to make different deposits that feel important to your spouse. The most effective suggestion he gave is, "Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went." That sounds pretty simple, right? The problem with many couples is they tackle this conversation over dinner, in front of the TV or with their children still awake. In that context, these conversations add more stress and leave a spouse feeling more frustrated than before. Why? Usually because they feel their counterpart wasn't really listening to what they had to say.

Dr. Gottman give suggestions for ways to talk each day so both husband and wife recognize the deposits into their emotional bank account and the benefits of taking time for one another each day.

1- Find an ideal time for each spouse to spend 10-15 minutes each talking about their day uninterrupted. Take turns.

2- Don't discuss marriage problems at this time. Support each other in areas outside your relationship.

3- Actively listen to your spouse. Be kind, eliminate judgement. Listen to the vents, victories, worries and the happiness they share.

4- Stay focused on your spouse. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Be genuine in your communication,

5- It's not your job to solve every problem your spouse presents (see... The Nail).

6- Support, love, give affection and validate your spouse.

I love this principle and all the great information about emotional bank accounts. I am currently not married so I've thought about how I can apply this principle now. This is an easy one to work into my life right now. I still have  relationships I need to strengthen every day. The emotional bank accounts of my kids are also very important. By nature I want to fix things similar to the husband in the video. I want to call out the obvious and do my part to 'help remove the nail'. But, it's not help! I'm learning how important it is to actively listen to my teenagers to build trust in our relationship. When they want to talk, I need to stop and listen!

Gottman said, "If there is a silver lining to your partner's sadness, fear, or anger, it is that by listening to it you strengthen the trust between you." Though this class is focused on marriage, by applying these methods to other relationships in my life, I feel like I can reap some of the same rewards.