Balancing Families

When I was first married we lived near my husband's family. We were both the first to get married in our families so it was new territory for everyone involved. As soon as we were married we started getting invitations to every cousin/aunt/uncle/grandparent event within a 40 mile radius. I was immediately put off and overwhelmed at the thought of going to so many family activities. We both worked full time on opposite shifts; I worked days and he worked swing. I found it really hard to not only attend the events but to attend them with a good attitude. It was something we knew we couldn't keep up with as the years went on. We finally told his mom we needed our days off to be spent together. At first it wasn't well received but later on she admitted it was too much to expect with our schedules and newly married status.

 

In Helping and Healing our Families authors James Harper and Susanne Olsen give practical and sound advice to help all parties involved navigate new territory. They said, "Parents can help by genuinely not pressuring their grown children to be at every family gathering, even though they will be missed." Once the pressure to be at everything was released, we actually chose to attend some of the activities we were invited to without the intense feelings of not wanting to be there. At that point we were able to build our extended family relationships into something stronger.

 

The authors also share some ideas from Gloria Horsely that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are:

• Giving Advice
• Criticizing
• Pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event
• Criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren
• Trying to control everyone and everything, including children's beliefs
• Unclear and indirect commuication

That about covers it, doesn't it? I am not a parent-in-law yet and wont be for quite some time. I hope to build trust and friendship with my children-in-law someday. I'm certain it wont be an easy, clear cut job. In fact, it might be quite difficult and different with each new family member added. I loved the suggestion to spend one-on-one time with a son or daughter in-law. The times we did that as mother and daughter-in-law our relationship grew.

 

Harper and Olsen close with this, "Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern." All of this will certainly help these important relationships to grow into loving, eternal bonds.