The Nose Knows

Have you ever had to sniff around your kitchen to find an offending smell? Was it the garbage? The sink? The fridge? At my house it's usually a rotten potato that fell back in the cupboard and man, do they stink! An unknown smell can really throw off the mood of your entire house. I like my house to smell good and I'm not happy until I eliminate the nasty stink. Are you asking yourself why I'm writing about a stinky kitchen on a blog about marriage? Well a good 'sense of smell', so to speak, is an essential tool in marriage as well. Dr. John Gottman call is a Marital Poop Detector and defines it as a "built-in early-earning system that lets you know when you marital quality is in jeopardy." He goes on to say it's another way of recognizing something doesn't smell right in your relationship. The one who speaks up, or 'smells a problem'  is not willing to live with the offending behavior.

Most of the time a wife is the one using her nose to figure out the stink and asks why her spouse is withdrawn or grouchy more than usual. Gottman encourages both partners to use their nose. He suggests asking yourself questions once a week to check up on your marriage. Questions such as: Do I feel distant from my spouse? Have I been feeling lonely? Is my partner irritable towards me? Are we lacking fun or joy in our life? These self-reflecting questions and more suggested by Gottman can help you decide if there are issues you need to bring up with your spouse. Putting issues in a marriage out in the open is a chance to clear the air, be united in purpose and work together for the strengthening of your marriage.

I'd like to close this post with what I want to take away from Gottman's book. I've read it before and both times have felt the counsel and suggestions to be helpful and insightful. More than once I felt emotion catch in my chest when I was reading the book this time around knowing there was a way to save my marriage had both partners been willing. It definitely takes two people to heal and mend what is broken. Unfortunately, sometimes that isn't an option. Even though I am divorced, I believe in marriage. I know it's an essential part of God's plan. I often ask myself, "Where do I go from here?" Gottman closes his book with the words my heart needed to hear. It's a message about forgiving yourself and letting go of your inner self-critic. Essentially, the last page is about loving yourself for who you are- flaws and all. Easier said than done, right? The best way to move forward is to look for the good and be grateful for a spouse by your side willing to build a stronger relationship. President Monson said, "We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude."