Balancing Families

When I was first married we lived near my husband's family. We were both the first to get married in our families so it was new territory for everyone involved. As soon as we were married we started getting invitations to every cousin/aunt/uncle/grandparent event within a 40 mile radius. I was immediately put off and overwhelmed at the thought of going to so many family activities. We both worked full time on opposite shifts; I worked days and he worked swing. I found it really hard to not only attend the events but to attend them with a good attitude. It was something we knew we couldn't keep up with as the years went on. We finally told his mom we needed our days off to be spent together. At first it wasn't well received but later on she admitted it was too much to expect with our schedules and newly married status.

 

In Helping and Healing our Families authors James Harper and Susanne Olsen give practical and sound advice to help all parties involved navigate new territory. They said, "Parents can help by genuinely not pressuring their grown children to be at every family gathering, even though they will be missed." Once the pressure to be at everything was released, we actually chose to attend some of the activities we were invited to without the intense feelings of not wanting to be there. At that point we were able to build our extended family relationships into something stronger.

 

The authors also share some ideas from Gloria Horsely that every parent-in-law should avoid. They are:

• Giving Advice
• Criticizing
• Pinning down children-in-law as to the specific reasons they are missing a family event
• Criticizing or taking over the disciplining of grandchildren
• Trying to control everyone and everything, including children's beliefs
• Unclear and indirect commuication

That about covers it, doesn't it? I am not a parent-in-law yet and wont be for quite some time. I hope to build trust and friendship with my children-in-law someday. I'm certain it wont be an easy, clear cut job. In fact, it might be quite difficult and different with each new family member added. I loved the suggestion to spend one-on-one time with a son or daughter in-law. The times we did that as mother and daughter-in-law our relationship grew.

 

Harper and Olsen close with this, "Improved relationships will require time, effort, patience, and a willingness to communicate about issues and past offenses with love and concern." All of this will certainly help these important relationships to grow into loving, eternal bonds.

Team Effort

Unity equals teamwork. There's a common phrase that fits this sentence- There is no 'I' in teamwork. Truly working together as a team means to think of the other players around you and how to help them succeed in their position. Is teamwork important in marriage and families? It wont be a surprise when I tell you, of course it is! I'm currently not married so to apply the message of unity to my situation, I'll focus on how I'm working to build up my family team.

I have five kids, one daughter followed by four boys. Quite often (every day actually) I'm breaking up arguments or fights and dealing with contention even though these kids are playing on the same family team! I know it's partly their ages and that it's a challenge for siblings to get along all the time. Still, it's frustrating! My lack of patience has gotten the better of me more time than I can count. Talking with some friends one day, I voiced my troubles with really feeling family unity among my kids. My friend was quick to tell how he pulls his kids together on a regular basis. He refers to their family as 'Team Andersen' and uses sports talk to encourage teammate behavior. If there's any sort of talk that pulls my boys in, sports talk is it.

I came home and went right to work. I started reminding them how important it is to work together and that without each other, getting back to our Heavenly Father would be much harder. Sometimes when I would hear them fighting I would simply say, "Team Bushman!" I quoted this song in an earlier blog post but it also applies here. In the primary song, The Family is of God we sing, "God gave us families, to help us become what he wants us to be." A gift. Our families are a gift from God. A crucible to refine and shape us into something better.

Henry B. Eyring said, "The sacramental prayer can remind us every week of how the gift of unity will come through obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ. When we keep our covenants to take His name upon us, to remember Him always, and to keep all His commandments, we will receive the companionship of His Spirit. That will soften our hearts and unite us." Unity in a family (or a marriage) requires commitment and patience. Elder Eyring said the sacrifices we make as a family when we pray for and serve one another will lead to hearts bound in love.

Safeguarding Your Marriage

Most infidelity in marriage starts out with small, deliberate choices when one spouse chooses to turn away from the other. I don’t think anyone makes the commitment to marry someone they love with anticipation of breaking those vows down the road. Yet, here we are in a society that deals with broken marriages from all different aspects of infidelity.

So, how does it happen? In his book Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Wallace Goddard writes, “Satan attacks us with subtle and indirect means. He gets us inappropriately close to someone who is not our spouse under the guise of missionary work, friendship, or helpfulness. He subtly builds inappropriate emotional bonds while quieting our consciences with weak rationalizations.” Some of these weak rationalizations might include telling yourself that you are in control and it’s no big deal to have a good friend outside your marriage relationship. Satan merciless leaves no stone unturned.

Goddard offers several guidelines to safeguard against behavior that might lead to troubling behavior. A few of his suggestions include: ~Do not allow the seeds of lust to germinate. ~Never make excuses to spend time alone with a person of the opposite sex. ~ If you find yourself making excuses for continuing the relationship, you are addicted. ~Spend more enjoyable time with your spouse. ~Renew your spiritual efforts. Turn to the Lord in prayer.

I have seen the heartache and sadness brought on by infidelity in marriage, whether emotional or physical, it doesn’t matter. It destroys trust and can cause lasting hurt. Goddard warns of Satan’s devious plans. He said of Satan, “He offers love, fun and a satisfying life. But it is a lie. He wants to get us to violate our covenants. But he has no joy to deliver on is grandiose promises. He is the master of misery. That is all he has to offer.”

The Nose Knows

Have you ever had to sniff around your kitchen to find an offending smell? Was it the garbage? The sink? The fridge? At my house it's usually a rotten potato that fell back in the cupboard and man, do they stink! An unknown smell can really throw off the mood of your entire house. I like my house to smell good and I'm not happy until I eliminate the nasty stink. Are you asking yourself why I'm writing about a stinky kitchen on a blog about marriage? Well a good 'sense of smell', so to speak, is an essential tool in marriage as well. Dr. John Gottman call is a Marital Poop Detector and defines it as a "built-in early-earning system that lets you know when you marital quality is in jeopardy." He goes on to say it's another way of recognizing something doesn't smell right in your relationship. The one who speaks up, or 'smells a problem'  is not willing to live with the offending behavior.

Most of the time a wife is the one using her nose to figure out the stink and asks why her spouse is withdrawn or grouchy more than usual. Gottman encourages both partners to use their nose. He suggests asking yourself questions once a week to check up on your marriage. Questions such as: Do I feel distant from my spouse? Have I been feeling lonely? Is my partner irritable towards me? Are we lacking fun or joy in our life? These self-reflecting questions and more suggested by Gottman can help you decide if there are issues you need to bring up with your spouse. Putting issues in a marriage out in the open is a chance to clear the air, be united in purpose and work together for the strengthening of your marriage.

I'd like to close this post with what I want to take away from Gottman's book. I've read it before and both times have felt the counsel and suggestions to be helpful and insightful. More than once I felt emotion catch in my chest when I was reading the book this time around knowing there was a way to save my marriage had both partners been willing. It definitely takes two people to heal and mend what is broken. Unfortunately, sometimes that isn't an option. Even though I am divorced, I believe in marriage. I know it's an essential part of God's plan. I often ask myself, "Where do I go from here?" Gottman closes his book with the words my heart needed to hear. It's a message about forgiving yourself and letting go of your inner self-critic. Essentially, the last page is about loving yourself for who you are- flaws and all. Easier said than done, right? The best way to move forward is to look for the good and be grateful for a spouse by your side willing to build a stronger relationship. President Monson said, "We can lift ourselves and others as well when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude."

A Choice

In his talk Agency and Anger, Lynn G. Robbins discusses ways Satan uses anger to destroy family relationships, specifically by separating anger and agency. He said, "A cunning part of his strategy is to dissociate anger from agency, making us believe that we are victims of an emotion that we cannot control." He goes on to say the terms, "losing my temper" and "you made me mad" are words chosen to displace the responsibility of anger in the first place. It simply couldn't be one's fault if someone else provoked your anger or you lost your temper ' accidentally.' Instead Brother Robbins is clear; anger is a choice.

 

I know a woman that in her 90's now and this is still how she deals with her anger. She is consistently displacing it on someone else or not taking responsibility for her own words and actions. I don't understand how she couldn't see the wake it left behind her. Through the years she has damaged relationships with her children and siblings, along with plenty of mistrust from other relatives. She has lived a long life and allowed anger to be in the forefront of some important events and people, blaming them that they "made her angry." Satan waits for these actions and plants seeds of more anger to build and grow on top of one another. When left alone, anger can multiply and grow like a rampant weed.

 

David O. McKay said, “Let husband and wife never speak in loud tones to each other, ‘unless the house is on fire’ ” It takes incredible self-control to keep our anger in check. Daily, or multiple times a day, we must turn to God and ask for His help to turn away from anger. Brother Robbins closes his talk with these words, "Understanding the connection between agency and anger is the first step in eliminating it from our lives. We can choose not to become angry." Anger is a choice. We can bring peace and long suffering to our families when we turn away from Satan's attempts to 'stir up' the hearts of men.

The Postscript

In H. Wallace Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, the fourth chapter is centered on humility and repentance to rid yourself of pride. He wrote a very specific postscript at the end of his thoughts that has been with me since I finished reading it. He said, "If, as you read this chapter, you found yourself thinking how much your partner needs it, I encourage you to re-read the chapter with yourself in mind." Pretty direct, right? Almost an 'ouch' factor if you were, in fact, thinking about your spouse when you read it. Much of the time we are able to see the pride in others but are quite reluctant to admit the pride we have in our own hearts.

 

Earlier in the chapter Goddard writes, "When we are feeling irked, annoyed or irritated with our spouse, we have our backs toward heaven. We are guilty of pride." Whoa. Those are feelings stemming from pride? Relationships everywhere deal with these issues, sometimes on a daily basis. We accuse a spouse and defend ourselves. A never ending cycle begins when these behaviors are set on repeat. A perfect description of pride and a clear call to repentance comes from President Ezra Taft Benson in his conference address titled (read it here). He said, "Pride adversely affects all our relationships—our relationship with God and His servants, between husband and wife, parent and child, employer and employee, teacher and student, and all mankind." Thankfully pride is not a terminal illness we are powerless to stop. President Benson taught, "The antidote for pride is humility—meekness, submissiveness. It is the broken heart and the contrite spirit"

 

Goddard used the visual of a flat tire in a struggling relationship. Most relationships experience bumpy times on a rough road. He said, "Appreciating is more powerful than correcting. Appreciation inflates the tires on which we travel. Criticism is a slow leak in those tires." The important questions we need to ask are more about the changes we need to make within rather than the ones we see in our spouse. How can I build my partner up? What good qualities do I see in my spouse? Is my will aligned with God? When we seek answers to these questions our hearts can be softened.

Hit The Nail On The Head

Have you seen this video? It's one of the first things I thought of when I was reading John Gottman's book... Funny, right? I couldn't resist the blog title either. In my opinion, it's a fairly accurate representation of a principle we read about this week in my marriage class. First let me back up a little bit and share what Dr. Gottman wrote in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and how it applies to this video.

Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away.

How does Dr. Gottman define turning toward each other? He says couples are always making what he calls 'bids' towards one another for attention, affection, humor and support. "Real-life romance is fueled each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life." Yes, yes, yes! I hear husbands and wives everywhere agreeing with this statement. Feeling valued in a relationship builds trust and connection much more than flowers and chocolate. When a spouse acknowledges your 'bid' it helps you want to continue those bids. Gottman says these bids, whether big or small, gain momentum like a rolling snowball. They might start small but the results will be great.

One way to successfully connect with a spouse is to make deposits into their emotional bank account. Gottman shares a long list of ways to make different deposits that feel important to your spouse. The most effective suggestion he gave is, "Reunite at the end of the day and talk about how it went." That sounds pretty simple, right? The problem with many couples is they tackle this conversation over dinner, in front of the TV or with their children still awake. In that context, these conversations add more stress and leave a spouse feeling more frustrated than before. Why? Usually because they feel their counterpart wasn't really listening to what they had to say.

Dr. Gottman give suggestions for ways to talk each day so both husband and wife recognize the deposits into their emotional bank account and the benefits of taking time for one another each day.

1- Find an ideal time for each spouse to spend 10-15 minutes each talking about their day uninterrupted. Take turns.

2- Don't discuss marriage problems at this time. Support each other in areas outside your relationship.

3- Actively listen to your spouse. Be kind, eliminate judgement. Listen to the vents, victories, worries and the happiness they share.

4- Stay focused on your spouse. Ask questions. Make eye contact. Be genuine in your communication,

5- It's not your job to solve every problem your spouse presents (see... The Nail).

6- Support, love, give affection and validate your spouse.

I love this principle and all the great information about emotional bank accounts. I am currently not married so I've thought about how I can apply this principle now. This is an easy one to work into my life right now. I still have  relationships I need to strengthen every day. The emotional bank accounts of my kids are also very important. By nature I want to fix things similar to the husband in the video. I want to call out the obvious and do my part to 'help remove the nail'. But, it's not help! I'm learning how important it is to actively listen to my teenagers to build trust in our relationship. When they want to talk, I need to stop and listen!

Gottman said, "If there is a silver lining to your partner's sadness, fear, or anger, it is that by listening to it you strengthen the trust between you." Though this class is focused on marriage, by applying these methods to other relationships in my life, I feel like I can reap some of the same rewards.

Destination: Eternity

Do you have a good sense of direction? Is it easy for you to find where you are going? Does a map help you? Honestly, I'm terrible with directions. I need a map to find a desired location. Don't tell me east or west unless you want to confuse me (no Utah mountains for reference where I live). I have to know if you mean right or left. And even then I might get lost. Sadly, I've even proven this statement with my smart phone. Just ask my kids. We've seen more of the industrial side of Portland than necessary. 

Maps provide direction and safety when traveling uncharted territory. When you study a map, you understand your destination a little more than you did before. A map is a wise resource for travelers all over the world.

Now, think about this. What road is your marriage on? Where are you heading as a couple? Have you ever felt lost? Ever wondered how you and your spouse somehow ended up on a different road? In a covenant marriage when two people marry their destination is eternity. Reaching that destination might be more difficult than it seemed on their wedding day. Life, including marriage, is full of surprises, challenges and heartaches. Distance can grow between a husband and wife from daily distractions. Over time this slowly erodes plans for their eternal destination. This explains my marriage and the heartache that followed 13 years later. Challenges and stress came our way and we found ourselves on completely different roads. A crossroads, really. I knew I was not going to abandon the road that helped me keep my covenants. I needed to stay the course I knew to be true.  What kind of map can help a marriage build a stronger connection and focus on eternity?

What kind of map can help a marriage build a stronger connection and focus on eternity? Dr. John M. Gottman said, "Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other's world. I call this having a richly detailed love map." What exactly does this mean? Dr. Gottman says a different way of explaining a love map is that couples remember major events in each other's history and continue building on that information as your spouse's feelings and world change through the years. He says without a love map how can you truly know your spouse? And the follow up question, If you don't know them, how can you love them? The combination of knowing and loving your spouse give you the strength to weather storms in a marriage.

In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman gives couples a few ideas to evaluate and build their love maps. A questionnaire, an activity involving points (Hello, friendly competition!) and suggestions for open-ended questions to update information on your spouse that may have shifted or changed due to life circumstances. There is no way to predict the challenges a couple will face in their marriage. Having a plan to really know and love your spouse is a wonderful place to start building love maps. Conscience and sincere effort to strengthen your marriage will be rewarded. In his book Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard said, "Character and companionship do not come without consistent investment." Though it is not an easy assignment, investing in an eternal marriage relationship will bring about great rewards.

 

Marriage Stability

What helps strengthen a marriage relationship? Will it require hard work? Where is help found? Do stable marriage exist? Can a troubled marriage be saved?

 

These questions (and many more) are answered in two different but beneficial books on marriage. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John M. Gottman and Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage by Dr. H. Wallace Goddard have different but effective approaches to building and repairing the important relationship between husband and wife. Let's look at their suggestions separately.

 

Dr. Gottman has studied the marriage relationship for decades. He believes the heart of his research and the Seven Principles he suggests in his book is this, "happy marriages are based on a deep friendship." How often have you heard people describe their spouse as their best friend? The one they want to love and laugh with for eternity. These couples, he says, have a mutual respect for one another, enjoy spending time together and know the little quirks the other one possesses. They also express appreciation in big ways and small ways day in and day out.

 

Dr. Goddard says, "The key to a satisfying marriage is to be found in living the principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ." Learning to live and love like our Savior is one way to develop Christ-like attributes. He goes one to counsel, "Rather than learn a set of skills for dealing with difficulties, we seek a change of heart." He goes on to say that understanding and living gospel principles will soften hearts and build Christ-like character. These attributes will result in happy marriages.

 

Who do these books benefit? Couples in healthy, committed relationships? Troubled, fractured ones? Divorcees? Single men and women? The answer is all of the above will benefit from suggestions and proven methods to help husband and wife strengthen the ties that bind. Goddard writes that often marriage is a refuge from the storm and other times marriage is the storm. There is much truth to that statement. All marriage relationships have ups and downs as two people blend and meld their lives together. Past relationships, family history/dynamics, personalities and current trials all play a part in marriage stability. Building a life together challenges even the most committed couples. Goddard closes his first chapter with this promising thought, "It is Jesus-- only Him and His truths-- that transforms our marriage from crippled relationships to walking, working, dancing partnerships."

Safeguarding a Marriage

Speaking of a young newlywed couple Elder Bruce C. Hafen said, "Marrying and raising children can yield the most valuable religious experiences of their lives. Covenant marriage requires a total leap of faith: they must keep their covenants without knowing what risks that may require of them. They must surrender unconditionally, obeying God and sacrificing for each other. Then they will discover what Alma called “incomprehensible joy.”"

I have always loved to watch newlyweds. I find their extreme happiness adorable. They're so excited about life! They are full of hope and are down right giddy with their many plans for the future. They don't know what lies ahead for their life. Acting on their faith and on the promises of joy, they enter into marriage committed and courageous. Health problems, job difficulties, infertility or even death might befall them but in a covenant marriage they are not deterred. A covenant marriage will work through any and all problems that befall them. Does that mean it will be as easy? Certainly not.

Elder Hafen talks about three wolves that enter into marriage seeking to destroy the relationship. The first wolf is the wolf of natural adversity. There are many tragedies in life. Accident, death, the inability to have children, disease and more can tear two people apart that are not committed to a covenant marriage. The second wolf is the test of their own imperfections. No one is perfect so expecting perfection from a spouse in unreasonable. Improving our own faults will go much further than pointing out the faults of a spouse. The third wolf is the wolf of excessive individualism. Me, me, me. That's what the world wants us to believe is important. Instead of looking outward to serve, this wolf encourages one to sink inward and only help themselves. Not surprisingly, this wolf leads to loneliness and despair both in a marriage and as an individual. Satan wants to destroy individuals and delights in taking marriages down at the same time.

I love what Elder Bednar said about protecting the sacred relationship between husband and wife. "Given what we know about our enemy's intent, each of us should be especially vigilant in seeking personal inspiration on how we can protect and safeguard our own marriages." Another quote by Elder Whitney Clayton is above. Marriage is a gift from our Father in Heaven and the quality of our marriage is the gift we give in return. When looked at in this context, ideas on marriage responsibility can change.

Despite the challenges thrown at a couple in a covenant marriage, they hold steady and continue moving closer to God. There is no better place to feel peace than in the temple. Elder Hafen closed with this, "When we observe the covenants we make at the altar of sacrifice, we discover hidden reservoirs of strength." Can you think of a marriage that doesn't need a hidden reservoir of strength? What a wonderful promise to help with all the unseen twists and turns we take here in mortality.

Anchor in Society

Does marriage really matter? I have always grown up knowing marriage is important though as a youth I’m not sure I knew the true importance of it until now. In an ever-shifting world of moral values, more than ever before we must take a stand for what we know to be true. In the Proclamation to the Family we read, “The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.” When I read the word essential, I tune in. Air is essential to our lungs. Blood is essential to our heart. Water, food, shelter. All of these are basic essentials are needed for survival. Our loving Heavenly Father gave us the gift of marriage and families. Without marriage, children, families and society suffers. In the Primary song, The Family is of God written by Matthew Neely, the chorus beautifully reminds us of His plan. “God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be—“ Reaching our full potential begins with marriage between a man and woman.

Where is our strength? In the article The Divine Institution of Marriage we read, “Strong, stable families, headed by a father and mother, are the anchor of society. “ That statement provides a good visual for me. An unmoving anchor is defined as a family containing a father and a mother. The important role marriage plays in society is overlooked and underplayed. It’s not just a role in society, it is the role. Marriage is a key player in providing the stability and safety individuals need to thrive. Looking at the above anchor provides even more clarification. The family is balanced with a mother and father and they are indeed equals. Think of an anchored boat close to the shore and the boat is representing society. In the water, the boat is ever moving, shifting and changing positions, just like the opinions and morals of the world today. Millions of families, led by a father and mother, work together to stay safe on the shore.

How do we move forward? The last statement in The Proclamation to the family issues a charge for each one of us. “We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.” It is our responsibility as members of the church and members of society to use our voice and vote to support marriage and eliminate threats that take away the important union of man and woman.

Hope and Healing

This Mormon Message, based on Elder Oak's talk, Divorce, came out a few years ago. I love the powerful visual this video portrays. A husband is seriously injured in a car accident and his wife is diligently by his side, clearly emotional and worried about his survival. Elder Oaks said, "A marriage, like a human life, is a precious, living thing. If our bodies are sick, we seek to heal them. We do not give up. While there is any prospect of life, we seek healing again and again. The same should be true of our marriages, and if we seek Him, the Lord will help us and heal us." Most of us can’t imagine walking away from a critically injured spouse still lying in a hospital bed. With his counsel in mind, we shouldn’t immediately walk away from a critically injured marriage either.

In his talk he is also clear to point out this doesn't mean staying in marriages where abuse and repeated breaking of covenants is present. Marriages in that state might need to end. Instead it means working through disappointment and heartache because it will be a part of your marriage at one point or another. In short healing a marriage means what President Monson said, "Choose your love. Love your choice." Choosing to love your spouse through difficult life experiences will strengthen your bond.

"A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a 

perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman 

committed to strive together toward perfection."

~Dallin H. Oaks

~Strengthening Family~

I love a quote shared by President Kimball, “…only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.”  Some of the ways I work to strengthen and preserve my family is to stick with the basics. We attend church, read scriptures as a family and have family home evening (most of the time). It’s not always spirit filled but we push through those times and it helps us more fully recognize the times we do feel the spirit. It’s important for me to keep distractions to a minimum so as a family we work hard to not over schedule ourselves. Keeping communication is open is also important in keeping a family safe from the adversary. It’s been a new adventure having teenagers. They are fun and exhausting! One way we work together is to keep lines of communication open so when we are struggling we can discuss it. Building a strong family foundation together is essential.